Floored

As part of our continued tour of the opulence at Philips Arena, we bring you the Hawks/Nets game from floor seats. If you missed out on Part 1: The Suite Life, click here and check it out.

Basically I was drunk at a bar and decided to look up tickets to the upcoming Nets at Hawks game. The perfect storm of the Nets being a train wreck of a team and the Hawks having the most indifferent fan base in sports lead to me purchasing a court side seat for a surprisingly reasonable $230.

Technically I wasn’t sitting on the court, I had the Nets bench in front of me.

“Everyone get up for the Hawks tradition of standing until the first Hawks basket is scored”. Sorry this isn’t Oklahoma City, where even the handicapped people stand up till the first basket, no one paid it any mind.

“Welcome back home MarShon” I said to the Stone Mountain GA native, MarShon Brooks. I’m a huge Brooks fan but I do have to admit that he is a dead ringer for Tyler the Creator.

DeShawn Stevenson has a Plies angry ski mask face tattooed on the back of his neck, nice. Quick tangent: When was the last time anyone has used a ski mask for skiing. What’s the skiing : heinous crime ratio for ski masks? It’s like those fake flowers that they sell in crackpipes at bad gas stations, it’s a shitty disguise for an accessory to a crime.

The look of rejection.

Sheldon Williams is a starter on the “No Shape Up” team. Many NBA players have travelling barbers, perhaps he should borrow one.

DeShawn Stevenson clipping his nails during a timeout.

By the CNN Center entrance you can find 24oz (or 25oz if you go with Fosters) for $9. Not only is this a great deal ounce for ounce, it’s also from a can, which is important since all Atlanta sports venues have been caught watering their draft beers down to illegal proportions. Use our Grifter’s Guide to Beer to maximize your drinking dollars at games.

Don’t forget to bid on a reminder of the lowest moment of the greatest player ever.#HawksMemorabiliaAuctionFail

I guess that $9, 24oz beer wasn’t such a value as it was kicked over by a passerby who’s girlfriend in tow laughed. A minute later the guy returned and asked if he had kicked my beer over and then pledged to buy me another one, which was a classy move. Unfortunately he got me a draft which was presumably watered down.

Another page for my upcoming Zaza Pachulia Calendar.

I kept yelling “Malaysia Pargo!” at Janero Pargo every time he was on the floor and it was quiet. His wife has a hell of a right hand.

Atlanta wasn’t passing up an opportunity to take a shot at at their former draft bust Sheldon “The Landlord” Williams.

I’m assuming this guy behind the Nets bench was their security. I was wondering if (hoping) he was some Russian mobster there to intimidate Deron Williams into signing a long term deal, but his tattoos seem to be in english. Between him and the usher at FedEx Field with the face tattoo, the glass ceiling for people with socially unacceptable tattoos has been broken.

My obligatory Josh Smith scowling photograph. Its a Philips Arena tradition.

Hey look, it’s the best female basketball player ever, Candice Parker. She is also the wife of New Jersey Nets forward Sheldon Williams. That’s their daughter who I can only assume will be a hell of a basketball player one day, unless she takes after her Dad.

It seems like the Hawks didn’t give her the best seat, but considering who she’s married to,I’m surprised they didn’t give her the TJ Yates parents seats.

Damian Jones has some hairy ass shoulders. #ThingsYouOnlyNoticeWhileSittingCourtsideOrByBeingAnNBAGroupie

Josh Smith blocked this MarShon Brooks shot so viciously that Al Horford had to recoil into a Chris Bosh stance.

“I’m the only Nets fan here, you have to interview me” I said. No dice. I wish i did the interview and the caption said “Fat guy with too much time on his hands” under me.

As he passed by I got to tell Mario Elie how much I appreciated those early to mid nineties Rockets teams. I totally spaced on it when I saw The Jet a few nights earlier.

I know it’s a little blurry, but former NBA player Anthony Johnson. Shows you how fine tuned my Obscure NBA Player radar is. I could find a Louis Amundson in a haystack.

My ticket granted me access to the exclusive Jim Ellis Audi Lounge which is nestled beneath the Club side 100′s section. My ticket also promised me $15 worth of booze there and I was going to collect.

It’s Hawks legend Dominque Wilkens! I had to approach him carefully because I didn’t want any miscommunications and then something like this to happen. I politely asked to take his photo and he said “Quick”.

I snapped a second, less consensual photo, just incase the first one was messed up. Remember: no matter how dangerous, or awkward a situation is, take the picture. Injuries heal, awkwardness subsides, but a great photo will last forever. Even if it’s at the risk of getting decked by a Hall of Famer while being restrained.

“That’s ghetto, with the car stencil up there” said my friend Darius. I have to admit, its pretty cool that there is a bar under the seats.

I ordered a double Hennessy with coke and the bartender, Peppa from Salt N Peppa informed me that I couldn’t use my $15 credit there, I had to use it elsewhere.

Which is precisely why I keep a beer under my seat. Me = Stadium smart.

This is what they turned my beloved crepe place into. I’m sure it’s ok, but I was just too emotional to try it this night.

It looks like I wasn’t the only one there supporting Kris Humphries. Pro Kris Humphries signs: 1, anti Kris Humpries signs: 0. Atlanta fans couldn’t even get up to boo the alleged most hated man in basketball.

I think we can pretty much agree the chances of Deron resigning with the Nets are between .0012 and .0013%. It’s tragic because just a few weeks ago a Brook Lopez + Gerald Wallace + 1000 first round picks for Howard + Turkogloo deal seemed imminent, then Lopez broke his foot. Now the Nets are starting to settle on the bottom on the NBA standings, a D-League team surrounding D-Will. I applaud the Nets on swinging for the fences with Williams, but it seems like it may have been for naught.

I can’t blame him either, he’s from Dallas, they will be on one of their last championship runs, I can’t blame him. I’m doing my mourning now. Plus I’ve convinced myself that MarShon Brooks is the new D Wade.

Speaking of MarShon/Tyler the Creator, here he is with a dunk, part of the career high 21 he would score this night.

(PJ Carleisimo being choked joke)

Avery Johnson: Intense.

Kris Humphries couldn’t take the boos anymore and began to sob uncontrollably into a towel. JK, he’s just wiping sweat off his face. I only remember one time, when he was taking some free throws, that the Hawks fans booed him. I was in DC on opening night and Humphries was booed and called “Kristal Humphries mercilessly whenever he was even near the ball, the difference was night and day.

DeShawn Stevenson seems a bit huskier than when I last saw him in person in June. He’s a great weapon for a contending team, as his defense (and t shirts) has rattled LeBron in two cities, but on a floundering team like the Nets, he doesn’t make much sense.

Ryan Howard was in attendance. The fans booed him and then broke into the Braves chant. The fans found their pulse once the Braves were involved.

Deron rolled an ankle.

Candice Parker is a real basketball wife.

I stormed random concession stands, hell bent on getting my $15 worth of free food/drink. One directed me to a desk where they exchanged half my ticket stub for $15 in Hawks bucks. It was the 4th quarter and no one was selling beer, so Ijust grabbed some random asian food and the Garlic Fries which I have been eyeing for a year now.

The asian food was standard mall food court style asian food, nothing really to report. The “Garlic” fries were shamful though. The last time I saw garlic fries at a game was the Gordon Beirsch in Qualcomm Stadium. They had garlic and other greasy seasonings, topped off with parmesan cheese. These were simply fries with a half spoon of jarred chopped garlic on them, it was one of the most half ass, least cohesive dishes I have ever seen at a game. But hey, it was free.

The last thing any Hawks fan or basketaball purist wants to see, Josh Smith shooting a long jumper.

Sheldon Williams, presumably pondering the meaning of life.

Darius spent his Hawks bucks on some pizza. Had he simply eaten the Hawks bucks they probably would have been tastier.

As far as the actual game, the Nets lost, but it was a close one, not an easy task against one of the better teams in the East.

The NBA: Where you can pay $230 to be on TV, guaranteed.

Look for me All Star Weekend in Orlando.

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